Oh no! Not again! Everybody had warned me. Asked me not to go back to him, specially Ma'am- my best friend, my Mom, my mentor( the closest I was to). How will I tell her ? How do I face her?
I pick up my mobile. " Hi sweetheart!", said the voice so dear to me. " Ma'am I have to see you", I said shaking. " Right so when? Tomorrow, the day after?" ...she asked.
" No Ma'am. Not tomorrow , nor day after. We have a wedding in the family."
"Right! No worries. After that is Karvachauth, let's fix a day after that. Either we meet at Mc Donald's Dariyagung or CP. Whatever suits you darling, let me know, " she said and after the pleasantries I hung up.
I wasn't myself. I was just a mere shadow of myself. I could not just forget the pictures that my friend had forwarded. He was seeing this girl, whom I knew so well. They went to Agra and spent days. Allah! What is happening to me? I feel so let down. I offered myself , my soul, my everything to him and he ditched again? I look at my parents , my sister with whom I had fought with, blamed them for nothing...my eyes turn misty with the salty water. I move my face away. I do not have the appetite to eat. Ammi feeds a few morsals with her own hands. I feel like throwing up. She oils my hair and I go off to sleep.
"Aafreen chalo, Mamu ke yahan jaanaa hai", that was Ammi asking me to get up. We had to leave for her brother's place. I looked at myself in the mirror opposite my bed. A ghostly face looked at me- dishevelled hair, darkness smudged under eyes, parched lips. I was scared. I jumped out..felt the small lil lump in my belly. Perspiration beads appeared on my forehead.
" Kya hua? Taiyyar nahi hui?", said Ammi as I wasn't ready." I don't want to go. Aap ho aaye. You all go. I will rest",without looking into her eyes I said. I didn't want to speak .
They left...Ammi asking me to have my lunch on time. After a while Abbu too left for his office. I locked the door.
I stared at myself in the mirror. My hands over my stomach- was the bump visible or not! What will I do now? I already aborted twice. Should I call Ma'am? No she will be busy. As it is I never answered her call. Why am I feeling thirsty? I finished a whole bottle of water. I am dizzy. Ohh! Armaan why did you have to do this to me?
Slowly I got up. Took my favourite dupatta - a gift from him! Tied it tightly to the iron railing of the staircase. Yes! I wanted to go away. Go away from Armaan and his world of deception. Go away from all the people who loved me so much because I failed them . No I can never look up confidently now. It is all dark here. Not a single ray of light I see.
I slung the knot around my neck..tightened it a little and hung.
"Khuda hafiz"!!!
I suffocated...my eyes...they pained....Aapi, Aapi was all I could hear and a banging on the door by Javed before I fell asleep.
©®Madhumita
* It is so important to talk . Please identify such people around you, communicate, assure, love...help them find a new meaning to life.
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